The wise man said….”You help others through your art and your writing.”
The wise man told me to tell the story because I am not the only one and it can help people and let them know that they are not alone.
The wise man told me to find humor in the story and find humor in everything.
Never the princess…..
I was never the little girl who started planning my eventual wedding day at the age of 5.
Oh yes….”I will find my prince and ride off on a steed into the sunset”.
I was the little wanderer from an early age…already looking for the answers to the deepest curiosities of life….not really thinking that far ahead or planning on
much of anything past …..hmmmm, will my sisters hand-me-downs fit me propah.
The meeting that started it all.
I could not make this up……we met over a roll of toilet paper that had fallen into the toilet. “You get it out”……”NO, You get it out”.
The second meeting was a year and a half later, while living in Hawai’i. He was friends with my cousin and tagged along when he moved over there.
We became friends and it progressed from there.
High Hopes and Good Intentions
I knew he had a history of an addictive personality. I am pure of soul and sometimes we really REALLY hope for our future. We REALLY want to believe in someone and that they will always BE the best version of himself. I had never spent much around anyone with these issues before, therefore, I had nothing to reflect back on as an example. He was clean when we met and hadn’t shown signs of allowing a return visit of the addiction problems for quite some time. It was years after we were married that I would start to catch glimpses of it. It was an education that, apparently, I was meant to take the class about.
Through the years…..(not the Kenny Rogers song)
There were many, many good things over the first 2/3rds of our relationship. We were a team, and he supported my creative self. Our wedding was small and simple. There were a couple of times when he took a little vacay from ‘us’. After his return, I fought the wonder and the worry….it’s really no way to live. We all need trust. The married and together years numbered 14 1/2 years……the last 2, or so, were in a state of decline, varying in speed.
The mental ‘walkway’
The heart walked away, too. A lie is always a lie, even if one has his fingers crossed. Confusion is when you try to convince you heart something that your head already knows.
It’s a GREAT thing to have an open heart, even after harsh realities. You also need to know when to take your heart back and move forward.
This was happening at the same time as the walk away. I knew plenty about his behaviors and activities. There wasn’t that much to my investigation, as he didn’t try to hide anything.The emails to our account from potential matches on a dating site. Texts to and from ‘friends’ that he partied with. I hardly ever saw him, as he made sure I was out when he visited our home……he became ‘my former roommate’. I never had to dig deep for the truth…..drinking, drugs, gambling, and cheating, both with his female coworkers and random women he met while partying in Tijuana….some of whom I have had to continue to hear about over the past several years when I wasn’t even looking. I already knew all I needed to know a long time ago. I remember a couple of times….He was ‘out’ and I logged onto our bank account only to find the balance getting smaller and smaller….then overdrawn ……everything GONE. I no longer knew who this person was….he had lost his backbone.
My dealbreakers were pretty much…..no cheating and no beating. Then you learn that you may need to elaborate or create an addendum. As you learn and live….you develop a deeper sense of what you can tolerate….endure….and how much time you will give something to improve and when to let go.
Your keys don’t work?
Your intuition will tell you what you need to know. Mine told me that it was time. No more attempts at ‘date night’. I knew it was at a tipping point. I had begun to ‘see’ myself walking ahead….alone. I was awake and aware and planning for myself in a healthier state of life. Things were happening and I had to let my landlady know the truth and the locks were changed….he no longer lived here. When he did appear, I told him and gave him time to pack anything of his that he wanted to take and he left. We had previously talked about this impending reality approaching and he moved into one of the rooms he had looked at. It felt different and it felt necessary. The 2+ year decline and recognition of my own core values almost made it easy.
Did I ever crawl out?
I believe in a strong SELF and we need to go there from time to time. I wonder, sometimes, about capability and ‘being in love’ and have I ever even been close? Now, I feel it will take someone pretty specific and definitely in possession of a backbone….of strong character and soul…..not someone who feels like more of a distraction. At least I have learned. No time for boo hooing. Only time to move forward…..I am responsible for myself and my focus, then and now, is to support my house, those that I love and are true to me and are worthy.
The number 7 must be a lucky number because that is how long it has taken me to try to get to finalizing my divorce. I feel that there are some things in life that
really need completion….a days work….a meal…and a marriage that needs to be over.
What I did find out…..You don’t need a piece of paper to prove love and you don’t need a piece of paper to prove dissolution legally, spiritually, or mentally.
I found my own enduring strength and that what I already knew…….solitude is a great comfort and we should take time in it and learn from it.
Eventually he moved back to the East coast. The man he had rented from came looking for him one day….he had a friend with him….a lookout, of sorts. Apparently my former roommate owed him money. Now. my former roommate is back with his first ex-wife….which makes me happy……it should mean that I won’t be coming across him in my neighborhood.
It takes time to move on from ‘us’ to ‘me’. So many memories from the years ….it probably took a couple of years for me to break from places we had gone together…..to I have been there and it is a great place and I’d love to return one day. A lot of the friends ‘we’ had as a couple could not be found or didn’t have time. I guess they only wanted to be around ‘couple’ friends.
I did find more people like me, down the road….not because they are single, but, they are on their own journey….some single and some not…..but, open to just people seeking knowledge…period!
Do not be afraid to take time in solitude…..not seclusion….but, time to allow growth and strength, because you deserve to learn what it will take to not make the same mistakes.