When you seek knowledge and spend time exploring life, spirituality, culture, behaviors and so many other parts of life….the journey should never be over. There is a timelessness to this type of education. There are always areas to explore that you hadn’t thought of. There are people you will meet on the path but you need to pay attention and recognize it when they appear. There is also a teacher inside of you…after all, who knows you best?
Several years ago, I thought to myself, ‘I feel in a good place right now. I have overcome a lot and endure many realities.’ I think it’s possible that I put myself on cruise control….figuring that, yes of course I will continue to learn and to hone, never thinking about changes, necessary changes….or undealt with past experiences or the processing of them in a complete way.
I pride myself in being strong, intuitive, creative, sympathetic, honest…..and I am. But, there are other things that we need to include to be truly whole.
In recent months, I fell into a slump….I had the blues. I felt overwhelmed. No blogging, not much art, I couldn’t understand it or figure out where it was coming from. I knew a change, many changes, needed to happen and I wanted them to happen, but, I had no clue what to do. I told myself a long time ago…..do not ask for help….I fix my own crap!
I went to a convention and thought ‘I am in a different city around different people…my life will be whatever I say it is, at least to me….BAM, problem solved!’
Not so fast……
Strong, awesome me…..melted down, repeatedly. Then, the confession to someone I respected…..someone that I felt respect from. I liked that feeling and the thought that he would see me as anything but strong and capable just was not something I was prepared for, but I had some personal issues that was causing great stagnation.
This all leads to what I am doing about it. For starters, I am back to intentionally seeking knowledge and working at not being so stoic.
I am working on acceptance. The business I am working on…..you have to hear ‘no’ sometimes. That brings me to nutrition and proper supplementation. USANA Health Scences is the company I work with. I also am adapting to a particular diet and I began taking apple cider vinegar and amino acids. I am also working on a mindset of being more open of myself and the realization that sometimes we have to be uncomfortable before we can be comfortable. And finally, sometimes we need to ask for help. The book ‘The Mood Cure’ explains a lot. Also, I am reading ‘The War of Art’ which helps with the stagnation we face while pursuing our dreams.
I think it was always a part of some master plan that I need to endure this process. The friend I spoke of is also an extraordinary teacher and coach of life, health, wisdom and faith.
And before all this….
I thought I was fine.
I don’t know about any other writers or thinkers, but sometimes all of the knowledge or thoughts I have haven’t been formed in words. It like a tiny little miracle when it does. I am not guarded, it just is.
My intention is to somehow help others with my life, my experiences, my words. I saw a quote/theory that is pretty on point, it read……
“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.” – D.W.Winnicott
Yesterday after work I dozed off feeling a little blue and a lot tired and struggling with some issues. I woke up about an hour and a half later feeling so much more clarity. Somewhere in time…..I said ‘No’ for me, that is not tolerable. I like me. I like my code. I matter and have more self respect and value than that. You matter too.